There's nothing in life like going for a prenatal check-up and hearing your baby's heartbeat for the first time. It's awe-inspiring and invigorating at the same time. And after you've heard the evidence of a little life hidden away inside of you once, the promise of hearing it again keeps you excited and focused month after month.
That heartbeat is one of the few connections you have to your unborn child so you listen deep and hard at every OB check-up, making the most of every second. Once the baby is born, however, hearing the heartbeat is no longer a priority because you can finally see your precious newborn. Instead of listening intently to the heartbeat, you're listening to him breathe and cry, you gasp at his every sound and carefully inspect every inch of his tiny being- from head to toe. It's rare to hear the heartbeat again after he's born.
I am blessed to have gone through this mind blowing journey seven times. Through seven pregnancies, each just as exciting as the first, I was able to feel connected to my child by hearing those racing thumps being amplified on the Doppler tool that's on my swelling belly. There was one pregnancy, too- my eighth- that came with all the same anticipation as I went in for my first appointment to hear those heart tones. I left that appointment heart broken beyond repair after learning that there wasn't a heartbeat. So I know the emotions that run with the absence of the rhythm, too.
All this came to mind as I was washing dishes late one night while my littlest ones were sleeping peacefully in their cozy beds. Suddenly it hit me that I had this soon-to-be-adopted son and I had never heard his heartbeat! Of course, I didn't get to feel him grow inside of me, carry his weight inside of my womb for the better part of a year or, with purposeful pain, push him into life and those things I can not change. But his heartbeat? Well, it's been there all along and I had never heard it. Sure, I see the evidence of the blood pulsing healthily through his veins as he plays, sleeps, dances and yes, even as he screams. But I had never actually heard it.
I stood at the sink stunned, dropped my dishes, dried my hands and headed for his room. Tiptoeing quietly, I navigated through the toy maze and made my way to the side of his racecar bed where he was lost in sweet dreams of motorcycles and mac n' cheese ('cause he loves them both). I slowly laid my head down on his little heaving chest and tuned in. Ahh. There it was. That heartbeat. There all along but only audible when I slowed down, tuned in and listened. What a joy to hear it! And now what a joy to know that I've heard the heartbeats of all of my children- except the one in heaven- and I'm thinking that I'll have to repeat this scene with that one too... when I get there.
Tuesday, March 17, 2015
Saturday, November 8, 2014
My Baby Girl
Having a four-year-old girl in the house means...
...someone telling me multiple times each day that I'm "pwetty".
...hand-picked flowers, flowers and more flowers!
... I'm often the subject of large-faced, stick-legged drawings (..."This is you and me, Mommy, swinging"... "This is you and me, Mommy, picking flowers"...)
... I get to hold a soft and tiny hand anytime I want.
... cuddles, cuddles and more cuddles.
... princess dresses.
... I always have a kitchen helper.
... I better enjoy every moment because she's growing fast!
... I better enjoy every moment because she's growing fast!
Friday, October 3, 2014
When God Paints the Sky
When God paints the sky... it takes my breath away.
When God paints the sky... I feel spoiled
When God paints the sky... I have to stop what I'm doing to drink it all in.
When God paints the sky... it reminds me of parenting because it all happens so fast and you will miss the best parts if you don't slow down and notice.
When God paints the sky... I see colors that I can not name.
When God paints the sky... I am so captivated by God's glory that I can not even imagine heaven, when God's glory is all we will need for light.
When God paints the sky... a photo can NEVER do it justice.
When God paints the sky... it's always better when you take it in with someone you love.
When God paints the sky... I call to everyone to come see it.
When God paints the sky... I tremble at His greatness.
When God paints the sky... it's never the same twice.
When God paints the sky... it's deep, high and wide.
When God paints the sky... I want to run into it.
When God paints the sky... I thank the Lord that this is the nightly view from my front porch.
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Thursday, August 21, 2014
Even Numbers Are Great!
So.... I mentioned in a post a while back that there was something new on the horizon for our family and that I couldn't wait to share what it was. Well, I did wait but not because I wanted to but because I haven't had the time to. Anyway...
Last summer we had the privilege of keeping a little boy with us for two months. When he left, we didn't want to see him go but that was out of our hands. We entrusted him to the Lord and labeled ourselves his "prayer parents". Not a day went by that we didn't think of him and long to have him back with our family.
Ten months went by without a word from him. In December, Casey, the kids, and I talked about checking in and seeing how we could be involved in his life. We all wanted to pursue him. That was the same time when things weren't looking so good with my heart so we verbally agreed to get to the "other side" of the heart issue before we took that step.
Well, wouldn't you know that on our way home from the hospital, we received an unsolicited call concerning "Z" (I will call him that on here until we get legal stuff cleared up:). We were literally on the "other side" and here was the opportunity to have him back in our lives. God is so good! Of course, things got bad after my surgery and we were just trying to stay afloat for several weeks so a little time passed before we could see our little "Z" again.
The really amazing part to this is that for all those months that our little man was gone, I would have periodic dreams that he was brought back to us and handed to me and that's exactly what happened! Have I mentioned how good God is?
After receiving good advice from another mom who has adopted children, we have decided not to go into the details of his story and specifically how it intertwines with us. That is his story and one day he can share it. We pray that when he does, he will give God all the glory!
In the mean time, we are going through the legal process to make 2 and a half year-old "Z" a permanent part of our family. He lives with us full time and totally sees us as his family. Please, please pray for us and little "Z" as we are on this journey. We went from one less traveled road to another so we need prayers.
So here we are... going from seven to eight.... I've always said Even Numbers Are Great:)
Last summer we had the privilege of keeping a little boy with us for two months. When he left, we didn't want to see him go but that was out of our hands. We entrusted him to the Lord and labeled ourselves his "prayer parents". Not a day went by that we didn't think of him and long to have him back with our family.
Ten months went by without a word from him. In December, Casey, the kids, and I talked about checking in and seeing how we could be involved in his life. We all wanted to pursue him. That was the same time when things weren't looking so good with my heart so we verbally agreed to get to the "other side" of the heart issue before we took that step.
Well, wouldn't you know that on our way home from the hospital, we received an unsolicited call concerning "Z" (I will call him that on here until we get legal stuff cleared up:). We were literally on the "other side" and here was the opportunity to have him back in our lives. God is so good! Of course, things got bad after my surgery and we were just trying to stay afloat for several weeks so a little time passed before we could see our little "Z" again.
The really amazing part to this is that for all those months that our little man was gone, I would have periodic dreams that he was brought back to us and handed to me and that's exactly what happened! Have I mentioned how good God is?
After receiving good advice from another mom who has adopted children, we have decided not to go into the details of his story and specifically how it intertwines with us. That is his story and one day he can share it. We pray that when he does, he will give God all the glory!
In the mean time, we are going through the legal process to make 2 and a half year-old "Z" a permanent part of our family. He lives with us full time and totally sees us as his family. Please, please pray for us and little "Z" as we are on this journey. We went from one less traveled road to another so we need prayers.
So here we are... going from seven to eight.... I've always said Even Numbers Are Great:)
Soaring to College
We took our oldest child to college today. She's the same daughter that I used to read "Green Bear" to and sing "This is the Day" to every morning. Her daddy is reminded of the times he used to crawl into the crib with her much to her extreme delight. That's her. Our Baby Girl. And today we drove off and watched her walk away, smiling sweetly over her shoulder back at us.
We've seen that smile so many times. It used to be toothless, then had a few teeth sprinkled in, then full, then missing teeth and then full again. Seems trivial to mention that but those were all stages that we saw her through. Stages that The Lord gave us with her.
And now He's brought us to this new stage. She's ready. First born. So responsible, smart and full of faith. We pray that with the foundations we've laid that she'll soar.
And what a privilege it is for us to watch her take off. A few weeks ago we learned of the passing of a mom of seven whom we'd been praying for. Her kids won't have her there in person when they are at this place and we came so close to being in the same position. How grateful I am to have been there today to experience her excitement, help her set up her dorm, pray with her and then see that sweet smile get farther away. Yup, she'll soar and I'm so blessed to be here to cheer her on!
Monday, July 7, 2014
12 Week Update
Today is 12 weeks since my open heart surgery and yesterday I held my baby girl for the first time since the day before my surgery. That is the milestone that I'm most excited to share and happiest about. I am at about 90% and feeling great! Thank you for your prayers and encouragement during this time. I'm thrilled about the next chapter in our lives and what a chapter it is.... I can't wait to share!!!
Wednesday, June 18, 2014
When Life Gives You Scars....
I wish I had the words to complete that phrase.... When Life Gives You Scars... then what? Lots of thoughts come to mind... When Life Gives You Scars...
...Embrace Them.
...Hide Them.
...Flaunt Them.
... Put Vitamin E Oil on Them.
This short life has given me lost of scars, figuratively and literally. The most recent being a 7.5 inch line of nastiness down the middle of my chest. Some days I feel like wearing it like a badge of honor and other days just the ugliness of it catches me off guard.
I won't lie that intimacy is also different now. I want my chest covered because, while there are times that my scar wears like courage, it certainly never feels attractive. My husband says and expresses otherwise but I can't help how I feel. It's an eye sore, for sure. So with this scar I wrestle. Hide it in shame or wear it with pride? The answer depends on the day.
In time my scar will fade and seeing it in my reflection probably won't surprise me and will feel like part of me. Physical scars do fade. But what about emotional scars? Do they fade or change with time? What do we do when life gives us those?
Now I'm back to finishing the title to this blog, I think. What if when life gave us scars, we learned from them? Our pastor once shared that when trouble comes we must see ourselves as students and not victims. Maybe the scars are just the reminders of the lessons learned.
A couple of years ago I had a very hot pizza stone burst on my stove top and come crashing down right where my 2 and 4 year-old children were standing. Miraculously, in the fraction of a second it took for the searing pieces to land, my two little ones weren't standing there anymore. They didn't know to move, nor did they have quick enough reflexes to jump out of the way. They were just there one moment and out of the way the next. It truly was a miracle. The scorching pieces of stone melted the linoleum in the kitchen, leaving a large scar in my kitchen floor. Yes, it looked bad but every time I saw it, I praised and thanked the Lord for what He did that day to spare my children pain and disfigurement. That scar in the linoleum served as a constant reminder of what He did and was there for a lesson to be learned in God's faithfulness. I wouldn't trade that scar for anything.
So it is with my other scars... from brain surgery, heart surgery, miscarriage, marathon bombings, etc.... I have learned and grown from each one. What's underneath those scars is a beautiful picture of a heart that's learning, growing and maturing. As Ann Voskamp would say, "it's the ugly-beautiful.:
Yes, life will give you scars but when it does, learn from them.
"Consider it pure joy my brothers whenever you face trials of many kinds because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance and perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2
...Embrace Them.
...Hide Them.
...Flaunt Them.
... Put Vitamin E Oil on Them.
This short life has given me lost of scars, figuratively and literally. The most recent being a 7.5 inch line of nastiness down the middle of my chest. Some days I feel like wearing it like a badge of honor and other days just the ugliness of it catches me off guard.
I won't lie that intimacy is also different now. I want my chest covered because, while there are times that my scar wears like courage, it certainly never feels attractive. My husband says and expresses otherwise but I can't help how I feel. It's an eye sore, for sure. So with this scar I wrestle. Hide it in shame or wear it with pride? The answer depends on the day.
In time my scar will fade and seeing it in my reflection probably won't surprise me and will feel like part of me. Physical scars do fade. But what about emotional scars? Do they fade or change with time? What do we do when life gives us those?
Now I'm back to finishing the title to this blog, I think. What if when life gave us scars, we learned from them? Our pastor once shared that when trouble comes we must see ourselves as students and not victims. Maybe the scars are just the reminders of the lessons learned.
A couple of years ago I had a very hot pizza stone burst on my stove top and come crashing down right where my 2 and 4 year-old children were standing. Miraculously, in the fraction of a second it took for the searing pieces to land, my two little ones weren't standing there anymore. They didn't know to move, nor did they have quick enough reflexes to jump out of the way. They were just there one moment and out of the way the next. It truly was a miracle. The scorching pieces of stone melted the linoleum in the kitchen, leaving a large scar in my kitchen floor. Yes, it looked bad but every time I saw it, I praised and thanked the Lord for what He did that day to spare my children pain and disfigurement. That scar in the linoleum served as a constant reminder of what He did and was there for a lesson to be learned in God's faithfulness. I wouldn't trade that scar for anything.
So it is with my other scars... from brain surgery, heart surgery, miscarriage, marathon bombings, etc.... I have learned and grown from each one. What's underneath those scars is a beautiful picture of a heart that's learning, growing and maturing. As Ann Voskamp would say, "it's the ugly-beautiful.:
Yes, life will give you scars but when it does, learn from them.
"Consider it pure joy my brothers whenever you face trials of many kinds because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance and perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2
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